Broken
by Lady Neelahn
Summary: A broken girl in a new city. Will she heal with the help of the Bella's?
1. Chapter 1

"We're all broken. That's how the light gets in"

It was my favorite quote, and I had tattoed it on the place where my heart was. The first time I heard it, I could never known how true it was.

Because I was broken, damaged, call it how you like but I was. The death of my twin sister did that. And it had changed me. I was no longer the happy, weird and energetic girl I once was. I was quiet and kept to myself.

But then I met her. She was everything I wasn't. Everything I once was. She was friendly, nice and sweet. But most of all she was stunning. From her chocolate brown hair to her sparkling eyes.

Moving to Atlanta a month ago was hard for me. Moving meant leaving everything behind. Leaving my sisters grave behind. Leaving the few friends I had behind. Leaving the girl I once loved behind. But my parents thought a change of environment would help. I disagreed. Until I met her.

As usual I was having lunch with my best friends Denise and Stacie and a few other girls from my class. And this day was no exception, when I spotted her. She was the new girl I heard so much gossip about. Going to an all girl school meant a lot of gossip. I didn't know if the rumours were true. And I didn't care. All I saw was this beautiful girl. With blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. Eyes with an hint of sadness in them.

"Hey" I said. "Do you want to sit with us?" I asked her.

She looked at me in surprise. As if she couldn't believe it that someone talked to her.

"Uh, sure" she said softly.

She quietly sat down to me and placed her tray with food on the table. She didn't even looked at me or the others.

"My name is Ashley. And those two weirdos are my best friends Denise and Stacie" I said as an introduction.

"I'm Jessica" she said softly.

She was so shy, but something in me wanted to know her better.

"Why are you talking to her?" Olivia one of the other girls who were sitting there asked me. "Didn't you hear she is a lesbian" she continued.

Jessica wanted to stand up but I grabbed her hand and hold her in her place.

I just looked at her. "So, and you are black" I replied.

Everybody looked confused at me when I said that.

"You don't even know her. You heard some gossip and immediately assume it's true. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. But if she is I don't care. Being gay isn't a choice, just like being black isn't a choice. So I suggest you keep your judgemental opinions to yourself."

They were speechless at my words, and I saw Jessica blush. I realized I still had her hand in mine and I gave her a reassuring squeeze. She looked up at me and smiled. She was beautiful when she smiled.

Stacie, Denise and some other girls agreed with me, and Olivia apologized immediately.

We finished our lunch and got up to go to our next classes. But before Jessica could go I asked her for her phone. I saved my number and asked her to text me if she wanted. The rest of the day went by rather quickly.

I was at home and I couldn't get Jessica out of my mind. I just met her but I was fascinated by her. She was so mysterious and I wanted to get to know her better. I was sitting at the kitchen table, doing my homework when my phone buzzed. I saw I received a text message from an unfamilliar number, so I opened it.

 _Thanks for sticking up for me. It meant a lot. XXX Jessica_

My face lit up reading her message. I never expected to hear from her so soon. I saved her number and typed a message back.

 _You don't have to thank me beautiful. I meant every word I said. XXX Ashley_

I went back to my homework when my phone buzzed again.

 _You think I'm beautiful?_

What kind of question was that? She was beautiful. Everyone with eyes could see that.

 _You are beautiful. And one day I will show you._

I put my phone aside and finished my homework. Did I go to far? I barely knew her, but I somehow I had the feeling we would be good friends. Then her reply came.

 _I can't wait. See you tomorrow in school. XXX_

 _Good night beautiful. See you tomorrow. XXX_

The next day I saw Ashley at lunch break in the cafetaria. She waved at me and motioned me to come sit with her and her friends. This time there were different girls. I only recognized Denise and Stacie. She introduced me to the rest.

"Hey beautiful. I want you to meet the restof my friends. These are Aubrey, Beca, Chloe, Cynthia Rose and Fat Amy" Ashley said to me.

"Hey I'm Jessica I said shyly.

"Yeah, we know" the girl introduced as Fat Amy said. "Ashley told us about you. In fact she wouldn't shut up about you. But she was right, you are very pretty."

"Uh, thanks I guess." I didn't know what to say. I wasn't good with people. I learned they were all in an a capella group.

"So Jessica, do you sing?" Aubrey asked me.

"I used to, but not anymore" I said softly. I didn't want to look at them so I lowered my head. Ashley grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed it.

Noneof them asked me about it, and the conversation continued. Ashley still had my hand in hers and it felt so natural.

"Hey did anyone see Lilly?" the girl I think was named Chloe asked.

"She needed to stay after class. Apparantly the science teacher didn't believe she had nothing to do with the fire in the lab" Stacie said.

"I bet he didn't believed that" Beca muttered.

The bell rang and we all got to our classes. I found out I shared some classes with Cynthia Rose and Chloe. We talked on our way to class and I learned they were really nice girls. Maybe moving to Atlanta wasn't so bad after all.

After the last class of the day they invited me to see them rehearse. I really didn't want to. Music reminded me of my sister. We used to sing together and play the piano. I politely declined but they didn't want to hear any of it.

"I really need to go otherwise I miss my bus" I tried.

They said not to worry about that. One of them would drive me home. And that's how I found myself sitting in the music room. They really had good voices and surprisingly I enjoyed myself listening to them. During their five minute break, Ashley sat next to me and slid her hands around my waist.

"You okay there beautiful?" she whispered to me.

"Yeah I'm okay."

For some reason it felt good to have Ashley so close to me. She gave me feelings I never experienced before. When she got up to rehearse again I missed her presence immediately.

After rehearsal they asked me were I lived. Lilly the girl who was missing lunch lived the closest to me and drove me home. When we arrived at my house I thanked her. She mumbled something I couldn't understand and drove off.

When I got in my house I headed straight up to my room. I lay on my bed, thinking about today. The girls seemed all very nice. And I hoped I would be friends with them.

My phone buzzed and I grabbed it to look who texted me. It was a welcoming text as Ashley added me to their groupchat. They each welcomed me to their group. Making friends was apparantly that easy. I knew most of them for a day and I already was one of them. I thanked them and tossed my phone aside.

After a few minutes my phone buzzed again. This time it was a message from Ashley.

 _Hey beautiful what are you doing?_

 _Nothing. Just lying on my bed. You?_

 _Thinking of you. Want to come over? I really want to know you better._

I needed to think about it for a minute. Why not I thought. It was Friday afternoon and I hadn't something better to do.

 _Okay. But I don't know where you live._

 _Text me your adress and I will pick you up._

I texted her my adress and ten minutes later I heard a car honking. I got in her car and we drove to her house. She lived in a cute two story house. We got in and she introduced me to her mom. We then headed to her bedroom.

"You have a nice room" I said. It was light with yellow accents.

"Wanna watch a movie?" she asked me.

"Sure" I said.

We were lying on her bed with her laptop between us. We choose some chickflick to watch. But she didn't look at the screen. She looked at me.

"You're missing the movie" I said.

"I've seen this movie a dozen times. I really like watching you. You are so beautiful" she said.

I knew her words made me blush. And that made her laugh. I loved hearing her laugh.

"You're so cute when you blush." she said.

I couldn't believe Jessica lay here next to me. I really tried to watch the movie, but I was distracted by her beauty. She was so cute. She was also so shy. And she gave me the feeling I needed to protect her. Of course, she noticed me staring at her. I didn't do anything to hide it.

A strand of her hair fell for her eyes. Without thinking I tucked it back behind her ear. What was happening to me? I never felt anything like this before. Not with a boy and certainly not for a girl. But she had me complete under her spell.

I grabbed my laptop and put it on the table next to my bed.

"Were not going to finish the movie?" she asked me.

"Nope" I said.

I pulled her closer to me and we just lying there, our faces inches apart. I just needed to look at her. I was captured by her beauty.

And I don't know how it happened but somehow my hand found it's way under her shirt. I rubbed soothing circles on her stomach. And I could feel her hand sliding up my skirt. Her hand resting on my inner thigh.

We just lay there in comfortable silence. I looked her in the eyes and saw her staring back at me. A mix of sadness and something I couldn't describe was showing. God, she was beautiful. It took all of me to not kiss her.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Be careful when trying to fix a broken person, you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces."_

When I realized were my hand was, I got up. I sprinted out of Ashley's room. Without grabbing my phone or jacket I ran out the door. I could hear Ashley yelling something but I couldn't hear what. I needed to be away from her. I just knew her a few days. This is not what I wanted.

I didn't understand what happened. One moment we lay comfortable and the next moment Jessica ran away like there was something wrong. Okay we maybe went a bit to far with the touching, but there happened nothing inappropiate.

I didn't know what to do. Did I do something wrong? I wanted to ask her, but I didn't know which direction she had gone. And I noticed her purse and phone on my desk. I decided to make a new groupchat, so I could tell my friends what happened. And maybe they could look out for her. Considering she was new to the area, she maybe didn't know were to go.

I opened WhatsApp and added the Bella's to the new groupchat. And I asked them to look out for Jessica.

They all wanted to know what happened. I told them exactly what happened. I left nothing out. I told them everything. Even how we lay on my bed. Were her hand had been en mine.

Within a minute Lilly sent us a link to an news paper article. When I opened the link I saw it was an article about Jessica. It described an accident were Jessica was involved. And her twin sister. When I read further I learned how her twin sister didn't make it. The article showed a picture of Jessica and her sister. They had been identical. It was hard to see who was who. But the contrast couldn't be bigger with the Jessica we knew.

The Jessica on the picture had been full of life. She smiled a big smile that had lit her eyes. She looked like someone who still believed in magic. But the Jessica that we knew was shy, quiet and didn't smile. I wish I could bring back that smile in her face. Make her a little bit happy again.

I didn't know where I ran too, and somehow I ended up in a empty play ground. I walked over to the swings and sat down. I started to swing and let all my thoughts flow. I thought about my sister and how much I missed her. I thought about my old life and how happy I had been before the accident. I thought about my new life in Atlanta. I thought about the friends I had made here. But most of all I thought about Ashley. I thought about how incredibly beautiful she was. And how sweet she was. How comfortable I had felt when I was with her. How my hand had rested on her thigh.

Suddenly I felt the need to sing, which was odd because I hadn't sung for over a year. But I needed to sing to let go of all my emotions.

Being the musical lover I was, I sang my favorite things. This song meant a lot to me. My sister and I always had sung it together. She sang it to me to cheer me up when I was sad. It was the song our grandmother always sang for us. When I was at the end of the song, I heard that someone had joined me. But u didn't look up to see who it was. I needed to finish this song. When I finished the song and looked up I saw Stacie.

"You have a really beautiful voice. You should join the Bella's" she said simply.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked her.

"I didn't. I just came back from Aubrey's when I heard someone singing."

She walked over and sat on the empty swing next to me. She looked at me with a look I couldn't define.

"Ashley is worried about you" she said.

"How would you know that?"

"After you left she made an new groupchat and texted us too look out for you. Because you left your phone there she couldn't reach you. She told us everything what happened."

"You like her" she stated simply.

"Yes, I do" I said softly. "She's better off without me. I'm broken and I can't be fixed" I said sadly.

"Because of what happened to your sister?" she asked me.

I looked at her in shock.

"How do you know about my sister?" I asked panicked.

She placed het hand on my knee to calm me down a bit.

"We all know. When Ashley told us you left, we didn't know what to do. Knowing you are new here, and probably don't know the area as good us, we checked if you had Facebook or something. To see where you might go, as most people post pictures of their favorite places. Then Lilly found the article about you and your sister" she explained.

I was stunned. I couldn't believe what I heard. These people who I barely knew, put effort in finding me. Why?

"Look Jessica, we all feel sorry for you. For what happened. But truth is you can't change what happened. You need to go on. And that is hard and it isn't easy. You will never forget her. And the pain stays. Believe me it stays. Your pain will fade, but never completely."

The way she said that to me, made me feel that she had personal experience with it.

I looked at her. "Who did you lost?" I asked her.

"My father."

We just sat there for a while in complete silence.

"Come on. I'm going to walk you back to Ashley" she said.

"No. I don't think I can face her. Not after how I left."

"Too bad. I just texted her we are on our way" she said.

"You have to face her anyway, so why not now? And beside that. She likes you just as much as you like her."

Silently we walked to Ashley's house. When she saw me, she ran to me and wrapped me in a big hug. I hugged her back and buried my face in her hair.

I didn't know how long we stood there. I didn't notice Stacie leaving. I just know we stood there like what seemed to be forever.

When I finally looked in her eyes the only thing I saw was love.


	3. Chapter 3

" _ **Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."**_

When Stacie texted that she had found Jess, I felt a great relief. And I wasn't the only one. All of us were. When Stacie texted that they were on their way I read the news paper article again. I tried to understand why Jess acted the way she did. But I couldn't understand why. Maybe it was because the closest I came to losing someone, was my goldfish when I was five years old.

I wanted to understand her so badly. Something made me want to protect her or something. I just want to put back the smile on her face. The smile she once had. The one I saw in that news paper. I walked out of my house and waited for them on the front porch. When I saw them coming I ran up to them. I gave Jess a big hug and we just stood there. She buried her face in my hair. From the corner of my eye I saw Stacie leaving.

We stood there for an eternity when I broke our contact. I just looked at her.

"Don't you ever dare running away from me ever again" I said to her.

Unable to speak, she just nodded. I took her by the hand and guided her back into my house.

When we were in my room she wanted to say something, but somehow she couldn't speak. Tears welke up in her eyes and she started to cry softly.

Somehow we ended up on my bed again. I just hold her and let her cry. I didn't know how to deal with grieving people. But my feeling said I did the right thing by just holding her.

"I miss her so fucking much" Jess whispered.

"I know beautiful. Tell me about her" I asked her.

"You want me to tell you about my sister?"

"Yes, I think it'll help you. Talking about her with someone who doesn't know her" I said.

She turned on her side to face me. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. But I still thought she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw.

" _Lizzy was my twin sister and best friend. She was only four minutes older than me, but she always acted as if she was my big sister. She always protected me and was looking out for me. She was always smiling and up to something."_

Jessica needed a break before she could continue. And I didn't pressure her in telling me. I gave her the time she needed. I just lay there next to her. Stroking her hair and waiting till she was ready to continue her story.

" _Lizzy and I loved music. We both sang in our school choir. We played the piano and sometimes she played the violin. We loved musicals and have seen almost every musical there is. But her favorite musical was '_ _ **The Sound of Music'**_ _. Maybe because our grandma always sang the songs from it to us. Lizzy would always sing "_ _ **My Favorite Things'**_ _to me when I was sad. And it always made me feel better."_

" _But then came that day. That awful day. It started as a beautiful summer day. We were free from school. Lizzy, me and some friends of us would go to the lake for some relaxing. We always came there to sing and just enjoy being young and free. As we were in the car on out way to the lake, another car hit us. Lizzy lost the control of the steering wheel and the car flipped over multiple times. Lizzy died instantly. Our friend Jenny who sat next to her was severely injured. And I? I only had a broken wrist a concussion and a sprained ankle. I tried to reach both of than but I was trapped in my seatbelt. I called them both but they didn't react. I managed to get my phone and called 911. The rest I can't remember. I woke up in the hospital hours later. Then I learned that both Lizzy and Jenny didn't make it."_

She was crying again when she told the last part of the story. I let her and just hold her tightly. I could feel my own tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so sorry that she had gone through so much, and I wanted to take her pain away. But I also knew I couldn't.

"Since that day I changed. I lost my sister and my best friends that day. I couldn't feel any joy or happiness ever since" she said softly.

"Ashley, I am broken and beyond repair. I can't be fixed or healed" she whispered.

"We are all broken. That's how the light gets in" was all I could say to her.

She looked at me with shock and I immediately felt that I said something wrong.

"Did I said something wrong?" I asked her concerned.

"No, it's just that quote you used. After Lizzy and Jenny died I got it tattoed" she said.

I didn't asked her where she had that tattoo but I was determined to find out one day. But for now I didn't ask. I just looked at her and hold her. She suddenly looked exhausted.

"Why don't you call your parents and let them know you stay here tonight. You look exhausted and it's Friday anyway?" I asked her.

She looked at me a little nervous. Like I was going to do something to her.

"Hey beautiful, don't be afraid. Nothing is gonna happen. I'm not going to touch you or anything."

She looked embarrassed at my words. But I just got up and walked to the kitchen for some snacks and drinks. When I got back she told me, that her parents were okay with her staying the night with me.

I put down the drinks and snacks. I grabbed some clothes for her to change into and went to the bathroom to change myself, giving her some privacy.

After we both changed into something comfortable we just lay on my bed. She snuggeled up to me and within ten minutes she had fallen asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

" _ **Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal**_."

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't help but stare at the sleeping beauty next to me. She looked so peaceful when she slept. So young and innocent. Carefully not to wake her up I got out of bed.

I walked over to my desk and grabbed my sketchbook and a pencil. In the moonlight I started to draw her perfect features. Every detail about her was absolute perfection. Her cute little nose, her curls. I knew her for only three days but I was completely enchanted by her.

When I finished my drawing, I put my sketchbook and pencil back on my desk. When I got back in bed she immediately snuggled up against me. Eventually I fell asleep in her arms.

I woke up in Ashley's arms. I could get used to waking up every morning like that. I didn't know where that thought came from. I only knew her for three days but there was something special about her. I couldn't deny there was a chemistry between us. From the moment I got lost in her eyes, I felt comfortable around her.

I needed to go to the bathroom so I quietly got out of bed. When I got back, she was still asleep. I got back in bed again and just looked at her. I couldn't help myself and carefully put back a strand of hair behind her ear. I just wanted to see her beautiful face. Apparantly I hadn't been careful enough, because she opened her eyes and looked at me. And I couldn't do anything else but to look back. We just lay there looking at each other without saying a word.

None of us wanted to break the spell we were currently under. I got closer to her and stroked her hair without breaking our eye contact. And for the first time I felt like I had come home. I couldn't explain it, but just lying so close to her was all I needed. Nothing else didn't matter at this moment. Not my past, not my present and not my future. It was just the two of us in this perfect moment. Nothing else seemed to exist. And so many emotions went through me. I never felt anything like this before in my life. One look at her told me she felt exactly the same.

I couldn't explain what influence Jessica had on me. But when I opened my eyes I found her looking at me. I couldn't find any words and just looked back at her. Her eyes that contained so much emotions never left my own eyes. God, I could lay forever like this. It felt so good just lying in her arms. And then she came closer to me and started to stroke my hair. I couldn't explain it but we understood each other perfect without a word being spoken.

I really wanted to kiss her and I fought hard to not give into this feeling. Because I knew if we would kiss, I wasn't able to stop myself to go further. But it was to soon. She wasn't ready and I didn't want her to freak out. So I did the only thing I could think of and broke our contact and got out of bed.

Ashley's face was so close to mine that our noses almost touched. And that moment I realized I wanted to kiss her. Wait! What? This couldn't be true. I didn't do relationships. I didn't let anyone get close to me. But somehow she managed to come close to me. One look at her let me know she wanted the same as me. I could see her struggle to not give into her feelings. She broke our contact and got out of bed. I felt relieved and dissapointed at the same time. I really had wanted that she kissed me but I knew I wasn't ready for it.

When I came home later that day my mother immediately noticed that something was different. She asked me what happened but I couldn't explain it. I myself didn't even know what happened. There were no words in what language in the world that could describe what I felt. This feeling was completely new for me. And at the same time it felt completely natural. My mother seemed to understand that I couldn't say and just hugged me.

I went to my room and sent Ashley a text. They were only four words but they meant so much more.

 _Thank you for everything_

Her reply came within seconds.

 _Anytime beautiful_

The rest of my weekend I spent at home. Doing my homework and decorate my room. But I felt lonely without Ashley around me. I couldn't stop think about her. I couldn't stop think about the things that didn't happen. And I missed her physical presence although we texted all weekend.

That monday morning Lilly was there again to give me a ride to school. After the accident I hadn't drove a car myself. And I hadn't a problem with taking the bus to school but apparently my new friends had worked out a schedule for driving me to and from school.

That Thursday I had a free period and I ran into Aubrey. She asked me of I had a moment. Apparantly Stacie had recorded our little duet, and Aubrey asked me if I would join their a capella group. I really didn't want to even though I loved music. I told her that I would think about it and she didn't push me. But I did attended all their rehearsals. Although I didn't sing myself I really enjoyed listening to them. They all had great voices and they sounded very good together.

I understood why Aubrey asked me to join them because they missed a voice in their group. I really didn't know if I was ready to join them, but one day I found myself singing with them during their rehearsal. It happened subconciously and first I didn't noticed it. I realized it after they all stared at me in surprise. I really had missed singing. And since that day I was a Bella.


	5. Chapter 5

" _ **She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders and made it  
look like a pair of wings"**_

When Jessica left that afternoon I felt empty. I had homework that I needed to finish, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wished I had kissed her. I couldn't stop thinking about the things we didn't do.

I needed to talk to someone about my feelings. But I couldn't even form words for the feelings I had. This wasn't love at first sight. It was more than that. She made me feel complete while I even didn't know I was incomplete. But now that I knew her I knew that she was the reason why I was put on this earth.

My phone buzzed. And my heart skipped a beat when I saw it was a message from her. It was a simple message and at the same time it said everything.

 _Thank you for everything_

They were only four words but I understood the true meaning of them. And I answered with a simple ' _anytime beautiful'_. The rest of the weekend I didn't see her but we texted constantly.

Normally I loved the weekends, but now I was glad it was Monday. Because Monday meant that I would see her again. Although we didn't share classes, I saw her during lunch. And she attended every Bella's rehearsal even though she stopped singing herself. I knew she was there so we had a little bit more time together even when we were surrounded by others.

But that Thursday she shocked me. And not only me but the rest of the Bella's as well. With the exception of Stacie and Aubrey. We where rehearsing when we all noticed that she sang with us. And I never heard a voice more angelic and clear as hers. The way her voice matches ours was incredible. She didn't seem to notice that she was singing along. She only noticed it when we all stopped singing and looked at her in amazement.

She quickly stopped singing and blushed. She looked a little bit embarrassed and wanted to leave. But I walked over to her and stopped her from leaving. I just held her without saying a word to her. And that's how she became our new Bella.

Outside school I never saw Ashley or my other new friends. I wasn't ready to socialize and hang out. And I was afraid of what would happen if Ashley and I were alone on mine or her room again.

But my parents saw that I had changed the few weeks we lived here. And it was true. I had changed all because of a certain brunette. Ashley broke through my walls like they didn't exist. I got fairly close with the other Bella's too but not as close as Ashley and I were.

I lived here for nearly two months now and my parents thought it was time for me to invite my friends over. They really wanted to know who the girls were that had changed their daughter. But I wasn't comfortable with that idea. Sure, I got along with them at school, but I wasn't that good in socialising.

The thought of inviting them made me feel a little bit depressed and Ashley noticed immediately that something was wrong with me. She asked me about it, but I couldn't tell her. But she didn't accept my answer that nothing was wrong. She dragged me to an empty classroom to talk about it.

"What's wrong beautiful?" she asked me.

"It's nothing baby" I said without thinking.

And then I realized what I said. I just called her baby. I wasn't suppose to say that out loud. In my thoughts I always called her baby, but not once I had that said out loud. Until now.

I couldn't handle this. This was not how it was supposed to be. I started to panic. I turned around and wanted to run away, but Ashley was faster and prevented me from running.

Why didn't she let me go? Why couldn't she understand that I couldn't face her right now?

That morning I immediately noticed that something was wrong with Jessica. I wanted to talk about it with her but since we didn't share any classes it had to wait. I wasn't going to ask her when everyone else was around. And it frustrated me that I had to wait after classes.

After the last class we had Bella's rehearsal and I told Aubrey that we would be a little later. I needed to know what was bothering Jessica. So when I had the chance I dragged her into an empty classroom.

"What's wrong beautiful" I asked her.

"It's nothing baby" she answered.

And then she freaked out. Apparantly ashamed of calling me baby. She wanted to run but I stopped her. She didn't dare to look at me, but I lifted her head and forced her to look at me. When I looked her in the eyes I only saw shame and fear of what she had said.

I could tell she didn't want to talk about it so I repeated my question.

"It's my parents. They want me to invite all of you. They want to know who my friends are" she almost whispered.

I could see why it was a problem for her. She wasn't exactly a social butterfly. In the months she lived here none of us had been at her house. We always saw her outside when we picked her up or took her home.

"We will think about that one" I said.

I hugged her and then we went to the Bella's rehearsal.


	6. Chapter 6

" _ **When you close your eyes and you feel the color, that is when you know that love has entered your heart."**_

After our talk things had changed between us. Jessica avoided me and refused to look at me. And she stopped talking to me.

I knew she needed her space so I gave it to her but deep inside it killed me. I missed our contact but I couldn't do anything about it.

I wasn't the only one who noticed that things had changed. All the Bella's noticed and had asked me and Jessica what was wrong. But we both didn't say anything. Because that was the thing about us. We had a weird and special chemistry. And it wasn't that something was wrong but things were definetly not right.

I discussed it with my best friend Denise. She agreed that there was something special between us. And that it had been that way from the first time we met. She adviced me to give it some time. And that's exactly what I did. She would talk to me when she was ready. And it was hard for me to not be the first one to seek contact, but it was what is was.

After two weeks she texted me and asked me if I could pick her up. She wanted to go to the park so we could talk.

The ride to the park was in complete silence. Jessica kept her head down the entire ride as if she was afraid that I would say something to her if she looked at me. When we got at the park we found a quiet spot. We sat down and I just waited for her to start the conversation. But she kept quiet.

"Hey beautiful, you know you can tell me everything?" I said to her.

"I know" she said softly.

"It's just that I like you okay. And I don't know how to deal with that. Since Lizzy died I kept everyone at a distance. Because I learned that eventually everyone leaves. And then you came in my life. You broke down my walls like they didn't exist. And I never experienced the feeling I have with you before" she said.

"I know what you mean. I have the same with you. Minus the walls then. But I can't deny there is something going on between us. I also know you are far from ready to act on whatever this is" I said.

"Ashley, that weekend I slept at your house I wanted to kiss you so badly. Even when I just knew you for only three days then" she confessed.

"I know. And I wanted the same. And I still want that. But you weren't ready then and you still aren't ready. And I don't mind waiting. I am here and I am not going anywhere. Take your time" I said as I hugged her.

I was relieved that I sent Ashley a text that I wanted to talk to her. The past two weeks I had been thinking. I missed talking to her and being close with her.

Our conversation in the park was something that had to happen. We were on the same page and I was happy that she gave me all the time I needed.

I really wanted to be with her. I still wanted to kiss her, but I wasn't ready. And she knew that too. Knowing that she would wait till I was ready was a relieve. Now I didn't have to be afraid to be alone with her.

But it wasn't the only issue I needed to work on. I still needed to invite the Bella's over to my house. I didn't know why I was so uncomfortable to do so. The had all been nice and patient with me. They never pressured me to spend time after school with them. They accepted me and my odd antics. But I realized that I wanted to change that. I really liked them all. And in the short time I lived here they all became good friends of me.

It wasn't that I didn't know how to interact with people. Before my sister died I was very social. We used to have sleepovers and parties all the time. And I missed that.

I had talked about it with my parents. And they understood me. But they also said that it wasn't healthy to distance myself from everyone. And they were right. My sister would have wanted that I enjoyed my life. And now I was ready to move on. I had grieved and I still missed my sister. And I guess I would always miss her. But I lived and it was time I started to live again.

That Monday after rehearsal I asked them all to stay. I invited them for a sleepover for Friday. But that wasn't everything. I used the opportunity to thank them for being such good friends and for their support. I told them everything about myself and how I felt. And how I had changed thanks to them.

After I finished my confession they all hugged me. They told me how proud they were that I trusted them enough to tell them how I felt. And they accepted my invitation. I was relieved that I found the courage to trust them. But my only concern now was how to prepare my parents for Lilly and Fat Amy.

I was so proud of Jessica for telling everyone how she felt. I knew she was struggling with her feelings. And I knew how scared she was to socialize. But she did it. She gave us her trust and I knew none of us would break that.

But most of all I was happy that the things between us were back to how it was. I made sure that she knew I would support her. No matter what she faced I would be there for her.

I looked forward to go to the sleepover at her house. It was good for us Bella's to bond now that we had a new member. But most of all it would be good for Jessica. She wasn't were she should be but I knew she would get there. And it was a small step she took but for her it was a big one. And I couldn't be prouder to help her find her way in life again.


	7. Chapter 7

" _ **Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."**_

Fear was what I felt for the sleepover. All week I prepared for it. And how closer it was to Friday, how more fear I had.

What if I panicked?

But it wasn't that I was afraid for the company of the Bella's. My fear was directed to Ashley sleeping in my house. Or probably in my bed. Luckily my room was big enough to house all the Bella's. My dad had put in a few extra beds for the occasion.

I was pretty sure that Ashley would sleep in my bed. And that freaked me out. I didn't forget what happened when I slept at her house. But I guess it was better than sharing a bed with Lilly or Fat Amy.

It was Friday and I was thinking to skip school, avoid my friends and turn off my phone. But it was if everything was against me, because Ashley was there to pick me up. _**  
**_

As usual she noticed right away something was wrong with me. I didn't know how she did it, but she just looked at me with those beautiful eyes and then she knew.

"You are scared for tonight, aren't you?" she asked me.

"I am terrified" I admitted to her.

"Don't worry. It's just us" she said.

That's why I was nervous I thought. But I didn't say that out loud.

"I know" I said instead.

We arrived at school and went our separate ways. My first lesson was history and hers was math. I couldn't concentrate at my lessons, all I could think of was tonight. And all the possible things that could go wrong. Or how I would screw up things. I had all kind of scenario's in my head of what possibly could go wrong.

By the time we had lunch I felt miserable. I wasn't hungry. And I was at the point of cancel it. But when I looked to my side I saw her smiling at me. And I knew I wouldn't.

When I saw Jessica again during lunch I immediately noticed how miserable she was. She didn't eat and she was quieter than usual. When she looked my way I smiled at her. I took her hand in mine and pulled her onto my lap.

"Don't worry beautiful. Everything will be fine" I whispered in her ear.

I wish I could do something to make her feel better. To make her worry less. She had nothing to be afraid of. It was just us Bella's. We all knew how hard this was for her. And I had threathened Lilly and Fat Amy to not do anything crazy. I knew how big of a step this was for Jess. And I would do anything for her to make things easy.

When the schoolday was over I thought I was going to puke. I was stressed out. And the fact that Ashley would go home with me added only more stress to it. I would be alone with her for a few hours. I wasn't afraid that she would do anything. But I was afraid for myself. I wasn't ready, but all I could think of was how it would feel if I kissed her.

Her image was etched in my memory from the first time we met. I still thought about the first time we lay on her bed. Where my hands had been. And where her hands had been. It had felt so nice. But it had scared me, and I was pretty sure it would happen again today.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked me.

I nodded and followed her to the car. The ride to my house was in complete silence. I couldn't form words. I was so afraid that when I opened my mouth, I would say something stupid.

I followed Jess to her bedroom. And when she opened the door I was speechless. I never expected that her room was so big. I dumped my bag on the floor and sat on her bed. I needed a moment to take it all in. Her bedroom was white with shades of blue. The same blue as her eyes were.

"You like my room?" she asked nervously.

"I think it's the most beautiful room I've ever seen" I said.

She sat next to me on her bed and removed her shoes. I followed her example and put my shoes next to hers. She lay down and I couldn't help myself to do the same and spooned her. We had a couple of hours before the rest would show up. I just wanted her to relax a little.

I threw my arm around her and just lay there next to her. I could feel her relax. Without thinking my hand slid under her shirt. It just felt so natural to lay like this.

When I realized what I did I wanted to pull my hand back, but she stopped me. She turned on her other side to face me and my hand was now on her back. I rubbed soothing circles on her back to relax her more.

She looked me straight in my eyes and came closer to me. I didn't exactly know what happened or who started, but suddenly we kissed. One minute we just lay close together and the next minute we were kissing. It started slow and soft but in no time we were in the middle of a heated make out session.

The lack of oxygen forced us to pull apart. We looked at each other and then we kissed again. I couldn't stop myself anymore and neither could she. She moaned my name when I started to kiss her neck. Apparantly I found a sensitive spot. Her breath stopped almost when I kissed her collar bone.

Her hand disappeared under my skirt and she stroked my inner thigh. Fuck! This was to much for me to handle. I wanted her and I wanted her right now, but I knew this wasn't the time. When she sucked on my earlobe I was starting to loose it. This girl was going to be the dead of me.

I don't know how or why, but Ashley and I were kissing on my bed. When I felt her soft lips against my skin I let go of all my fears. I never kissed a girl before in my life, but when I felt Ashley against my skin I knew I never wanted to kiss anyone else in my life.

I never felt more safe then right now in Ashley's arms. She looked at me and I just nodded. Without saying a word she pulled my shirt over my head. And I helped her out of her blouse. At this point I didn't care there was going to be a sleepover. The only thing I wanted was that Ashley made me hers. Her skin against mine was the best feeling I ever experienced in my life.

A shocked _"Oh my God "_ made us stop what we were doing.


	8. Chapter 8

" _ **A kiss is a secret told to the mouth instead of the ear; kisses are the messengers of love and tenderness."**_

I could feel Ashley freeze next to me when my moms voice interrupted our make out session.

"Mom, could you give us some time? We'll be down later" I said without taking my eyes of off Ashley.

Without answering my mom closed the door and walked away.

"Don't worry baby. My mom isn't going to be mad" I said staring at the beautiful girl next to me.

I couldn't help staring at her lips. And then I kissed her again. Without hesitation she kissed me back. God, I could kiss her forever. My kiss with her was my first one, but I knew right away that I never wanted to kiss anyone else ever in my life.

Being interrupted by Jessica's mom was the last thing I expected to happen. My body froze when I heard the shocked 'oh my God'. But Jessica reacted way cooler then me.

This wasn't exactly how I expected that the first meeting with her mom would go. Her mom left without saying anything. And then she kissed me again. I couldn't do anything but to kiss her back. Kissing Jessica felt so natural. She wasn't my first kiss, but it felt like my first real kiss.

As much as I liked our making out session, I knew we had to stop. We needed to go downstairs. I needed to introduce Ashley properly to my parents. And the rest of the Bella's would be here soon.

I looked around for my shirt and her blouse, when I caught her staring at me. I just looked at her.

"Nice tattoo" was all she said.

I blushed and got up. I threw her her blouse and I put on my shirt.

Nervous as hell I followed Jessica to the living room. How could I face her parents after her mom caught us kissing? But I knew I had to do it.

"Dad, this is Ashley" Jessica said to a man with the same eyes as she had.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Smith" I said as I offered my hand.

"Nice to meet you too, Ashley. And my name is Richard" he said after he accepted my hand.

That went well I thought. But now Jessica's mom.

"Mom, this is Ashley" Jessica said.

I could feel my cheeks turn red as I walked up to her to give her a hand.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Smith" I said not daring to look her in the eyes.

Jessica's mothers reaction surprised me.

"I'm glad to finally meet you. Thanks for making my daughter smile again" she whispered in my ear as she gave me a hug.

"And my name is Caroline" she said in a normal voice as she released me.

Phew, that went better than I expected. I saw Jessica smiling at me and I smiled back.

We talked a little before we brought snacks and drinks to Jessica's room. All we had to do now was waiting for the rest of the girls to show up.

"See you didn't had to worry about meeting my parents" Jessica said after we put down the last snacks.

"You were right" I said and I pulled her in a hug.

I knew Ashley was worried about meeting my parents. Even if I told she didn't have to. I knew my parents. They were pretty laid back. And it wasn't the first time my mom had caught her daughter kissing another girl. My sister and Jenny had been together before the accident. Ashley didn't know that though. I would tell her one day.

Therefore I wasn't surprised to see my mothers reaction to Ashley. But I did wonder what she had whispered in Ashley's ear.

After we put snacks and drinks in my room, Ashley pulled me in a hug. We just stood there for like ten minutes. And then the doorbell rang. The rest of the girls were here.

We raced down the stairs to open the door. After I introduced them to my parents we went to my room.

They all dumped their bags on the floor and sat on the beds. Before I could suggest anything, Stacie said something.

"You two have kissed. Am I right?" she asked.

Speechless I looked at Ashley. How did Stacie know? She shook her head at me, just as speechless as I was.

Dumbfounded I stood there. I didn't know how to react to that. Ashley walked to me and wrapped her arm around me.

"You are right" Ashley said to my surprise.

They all sighed and handed Fat Amy ten dollars.

"Uhm, what is this about?" I asked them confused.

"Fat Amy bet us all that you would have your first kiss before the sleepover" Cynthia Rose explained.

"Oh okay. But how did you know?" I asked curiously.

"The bite mark in Ashley's neck. And the hickey in yours gave me an good indication of what happened" Stacie said dryly.

I couldn't help but blush after Stacie's words.

That night we talked and played games. We watched some movies till we passed out from sleep.

Later that night I woke up. I listened to the girls breathing. It had been so much fun and I really had learned to know them. I snuggled up to Ashley. I really wondered why I had been so scared to invite them. And with that thought I fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

" _ **Our eyes met and our souls caught on fire."**_

It has been two weeks since the sleepover. Since then something changed. She was avoiding me. I didn't know why. But I did know I wanted to be alone with her. She and I needed to talk about what happened.

We still texted, but not as much as before. Had I gone to far? Had I done something wrong? I didn't think so. She had kissed me with her own free will. I didn't pressure her into anything.

I knew she wasn't ready for a relationship. She was still grieving. But I couldn't deny the attraction between us. And I knew she couldn't either. I don't know what it was, but there was something special between us.

Our kisses had been so intense. I've never had had the same feeling with someone else. When we kissed it was like fireworks were going off. And then she confused me again.

" _It was after our Bella rehearsal. Only four of us were still there. She grabbed my arm and dragged me out the room. I followed her as she walked into an empty classroom. She slammed the door shut behind us. She pushed me against the door and kissed me. Confused as I was, I responded to her."_

I don't know what happened to me. After the sleepover I avoided being alone with Ashley. But it made me crazy. I wanted to be with her and at the same time I was afraid of losing her. She had awakened a fire in my soul. So after rehearsals I dragged her into an empty classroom and kissed her. After that kiss I asked her to bring me home. She did and when we were at my house I asked her to come in.

We went straight to my room. I didn't know where I found the strength but I pushed her onto my bed. I lay on top of her and kissed her again. I looked at her and I knew she immediately understood me.

I wanted her to make me hers and I wanted to make her mine. Without saying a word we undressed each other. And then we made love. It was my first time, but she was so gentle and caring when she entered me. I had never been with a woman before but my instincts took over. I knew exactly what I had to do to pleasure her.

Our love making had been so passionate and beautiful. I imagined that being in heaven must feel like this. When we were both satisfied and tired we lay under the covers. Laying naked in her arms felt so natural.

"I love you baby" I whispered to her.

"I love you too beautiful" was the last thing I heard before falling asleep in her arms.

I don't know how long we slept, but a soft knock on the door woke me up. I opened my eyes and saw Jessica's mom smiling at us before she left. Lazily I turned on my side to look at the beautiful girl next to me.

And then realisation hit me. Holy shit! She and I had sex! I still couldn't believe it. This beautiful broken girl had chose me. I never expected that my first time would be with a girl. Or that I wasn't the one that took the initiative to do it. But I didn't regret it.

I couldn't stop smiling while looking at the sleeping beauty next to me. Carefully not to wake her up I untangled myself from her. I grabbed my phone to look at the time. It was past dinner time. I had six missed calls from my mother. I didn't want to wake up Jess, so I texted my mom. I explained where I was and that I fell asleep.

Lucky for me, my mom wasn't angry. And she told me it was okay if I spent the night there. I put down my phone and rolled on my side so I could look at Jess. Even when she was asleep she was adorable. I could lay like this forever.

She started to stir and opened her eyes. Silent tears rolled on her cheeks when she looked at me.

"Hey beautiful" I said while wiping away her tears.

"Hey" answered softly.

I wrapped my arms around her and we just lay there in comfortable silence. Words weren't needed.

When I opened my eyes I saw Ash looking at me. And then I remembered what we had done before we fell asleep. I couldn't help it but to cry. So much emotions ran through me. I didn't plan on letting anyone getting close to me. But how hard I tried to fight it, I couldn't resist Ash. From the beginning she had smashed down my walls like they didn't exist. She gently wiped down my tears. She didn't ask me why I cried.

We just lay there in a silent embrace. Neither of us had words to express out feelings. But it wasn't needed. I was overwhelmed but I was glad she still was there. She didn't run or leave me when she woke up. Right in that moment I knew we were destined to be together.

My stomach began to growl and then I realised we must have slept so long that we missed dinner.

"Somebody needs food" I heard her say.

I didn't want to break our contact but I really needed to eat. We got up and got dressed. I kissed her again before we got downstairs.


	10. Chapter 10

" _ **There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it."**_

Making love to Ashley was amazing. It had been full of love, passion and respect. I didn't regret that my first time had been with her. I had given myself completely to her.

But somehow that voice came back into my mind. The voice that told me she would leave. Just like Lizzy and Jenny had.

I knew she wouldn't leave me, but the voice took over my thoughts. It didn't help that my birthday was in two weeks.

My birthday reminded me of what I had lost. No twin sister to celebrate our seventeenth birthday with.

I could feel myself slip back into a depression. I didn't want to but it was to strong to fight it. It was easier to give into it than fight it. And that is exactly what I did.

I became quiet and put back up my walls. Not only with Ashley, but with the rest of the Bellas as well. They noticed and asked me concerned if I was okay. I couldn't talk to any of them how I really felt, and said I was fine.

One day after the Bellas rehearsal I waited till I was alone with Aubrey.

"Aubrey, can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked a bit nervous.

The blonde leader of the Bellas was very nice but she could be so strict that she scared me a bit. But I had something to tell her and this was the only moment I had.

"Of course. Are you alright? You seem a bit off lately" she said concerned.

"I'm fine. But I have to quit with the Bellas. I'm sorry" I said and then I ran away.

"Jessica wait!" I heard her calling me.

But I didn't stop. I didn't want to give her an explanation. I couldn't explain to her how afraid I was that I would lose them.

I grabbed my phone and opened WhatsApp. I left the group chat and turned off my phone. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I couldn't face Ashley, the Bellas or my parents. I was a failure and soon they all would realise that. It was better to five up everything before they would give up on me.

I could feel something had changed in Jessica. She was quiet and didn't really talk or laugh anymore. Somehow I knew it hadn't anything to do with the things that happened between us. I knew she didn't regret it that we slept together.

Jess had always been quiet, but this was different. I tried to talk to her but she didn't say anything. She convinced me that she was okay, but deep in my heart I knew she was far from okay.

I knew she needed time alone. But I didn't expect her to leave the group chat. And I definitely didn't expect receiving a message from Aubrey that she had quit the Bellas.

Aubrey and the rest of the Bellas didn't accept this. They told me to get her back. I didn't know how I was supposed to do that, but I was willing to try everything to do that.

I wanted to respect Jess' decisions but I didn't understand why she did this. I tried to call her but her phone was shut off.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to give her the space she needed, at the same time I wanted to make sure she was alright.

I didn't know where to go after I ran away from Aubrey. I didn't want to go back to my parents. I couldn't go back to my parents. All I knew was that I needed to go home. Home wasn't here in Atlanta. Home was where my sisters body was buried in the ground.

I don't know how I did it bit somehow I managed to book a flight back home. My family had money and I used my credit card to pay for my ticket. Although I wasn't eighteen, they didn't even ask one question why I would fly alone without luggage.

After a two hour flight I was home. The moment I smelled the air of my home town I felt instantly better. I didn't want to see anyone or inconvenience anybody so I called an cab.

I gave the driver the adress of the cemetery. The twenty minutes in the cab were the longest of my life. I didn't feel like talking and the driver seemed to pick that up.

When he dropped me off I paid him. I waited until he was gone before I opened the gate to the cemetery.

With lead in my shoes I walked the path I walked so many times the past year. My heart almost stopped when I entered the side where my sister and Jenny laid buried side by side.

Someone, I suspected Jenny's mom, had kept the gravestones tidy. Fresh flowers on both graves told me she hadn't been here long ago.

I sanked to the ground and positioned myself between the two graves. I took a deep breath and poured my heart out to the two best friends I ever had.

" _I miss you both so much. There's so much happening in my life right now. Mom, dad and me moved to Atlanta. They thought a change of environment would help me. First I disagreed, but then I met an amazing girl, and an amazing group of friends."_

" _Ashley is the most beautiful girl I've ever met. I'm positive you would like her Lizzy. She is amazing and I never felt more complete as when I'm with her. Last week we slept together and it was amazing."_

" _And the rest of the girls I've met are so wonderful and sweet. Without knowing me, they accepted me their group. They are singers who call themselves Bellas. They are a group of misfits, but somehow they work. You would absolutely love them Jenny. If I do my best I can picture you and Fat Amy getting yourself in trouble. And I can see Lizzy fighting with Aubrey. Anyway because of them I started singing again."_

" _I fucked up big times. I quit the Bellas and ran away. I'm so scared without you guys. I'm so afraid that I'll will lose them just like I lost you, that I push everyone away who gets to close."_

" _In two weeks is our birthday Lizzy. Seventeen. We had so many plans. And now I have to do it al by myself. I can't do this by myself" she finally whispered._

It felt good to let go of all the build up emotions. They didn't answer her but it felt good to be so close to them.

She was so tired. With her head on her sisters grave and her feet on her best friends graves she fell asleep.


End file.
